S2 E4 | Coping With An Emotionally Immature Parent

I think the hardest part about a lot of my self discovery and healing journey has been recognizing just how much I responded to the behavior patterns of my emotionally immature parent. For me they were so normal even when I knew that they shouldn’t be.

I’ve come to understand that my coping mechanisms and the way that I protected myself were survival tactics. I’ve been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know what normal is.

I’m learning to carve out a new normal for myself and create my own reality. This week’s episode breaks down some of the coping mechanisms that I’ve learned about and how they have resonated with me deeply.

It’s a real reminder that you are allowed to choose yourself. That how you are coping right now, surviving right now or how you’ve dealt with things in the past does not determine the hear now. And it definitely doesn’t determine the future.

Take control and give yourself permission to create your own reality! 

🎧 Be sure to Subscribe, follow, and share Permission to Rise with a woman who’s ready to rise into her next chapter.

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Hey, it's Chelsea, and welcome to Permission to Rise, a podcast for women ready to find their voice, embrace healing, and rise into their fullest potential. If you're ready to stop shrinking and start showing up for your life, this podcast is your permission to rise. Last week I talked about a number of things that I've learned about my mother. I talked about how I've come to recognize that she is an emotionally immature adult, the behavior patterns, and the impact that it has had on my life from a young age. I think the hardest part about a lot of my self-discovery and healing journey has been recognizing just how much I responded to these behavior patterns. For me, they were so normal even when I knew that they shouldn't be. I've come to understand that my coping mechanisms and the way that I protected myself were survival tactics. I've been in survival mode for so long that I don't even know what normal is. In a previous episode in season one, I talked about how I found this flat line in my life, where there's really no emotion. And not a lack of emotion where there's just this blank slate where I feel a low kind of nothingness, but rather a feeling that there's no emotional high or low. Everything seems to be balanced. I called it a flat line because it literally feels dead, but not like dead inside, kind of dead. I found it unnerving because I've come to realize that most of my life I'm searching for the emotions in the room. I'm trying to find the highs or lows because there has to be something, right? You have to feel something. And most of that is due to the fact that I lived with a person who is so up and down that I didn't know any other behavior pattern. I didn't know how to sit still. I still struggle with this. All I knew how to do was navigate and manage the emotions in the room. So when the emotions in the room are baseline, I don't know how to handle that. Or I feel like I have to influence the room so that we're not sitting there too long. It's uncomfortable. I find myself doing this kind of thing when I'm having conversations with people where I'm trying to find either the good or the bad. Most of the time it's bad, right? It's easy to strike up a conversation and tell them about everything that's not going right in your life. That's what I used to do. I still do it. I'm still finding myself going, how can I add to this conversation but bring in a positive rather than a negative? There are a number of coping mechanisms for children with emotionally immature parents. I once again want to reference the book titled Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PSYD. I love how the author breaks these down. Some I don't even know where to begin because I feel like I could have an episode for every single one of these things, but I'd be leaving you on a cliffhanger each week. So I'm going to try to break this down in the best way possible and maybe deep dive them again singularly in future episodes. I will say it's been life-changing to recognize these things. So let's break it down. Lindsay talks about two coping styles. She says that you're either an internalizer or an externalizer. I'm definitely an internalizer, and I think my mom fits the category of externalizer, but it's really interesting to see how you can be both of them, but you typically will be one or the other. As an internalizer, I have a love of learning, of understanding different perspectives, and being self-reflective. I believe I can make things better by working harder. I tend to solve problems on my own. The downside to this is that I don't ask for help when I need it. I've been asking for help a lot lately, and I'm really starting to understand perspective of how it must have felt years ago when I would constantly run to someone's aid or help them with something. I used to push people and say, no, no, no, let me help. Don't do things alone. And when people do the same thing to me, I absolutely hate it. I've had to learn how to release control and allow others in. It's honestly a daily practice. I love that she also talked about how problem solving on your own creates this fear of needing help and being exposed as an imposter. Like if you're needing help, it means that you're not capable of doing something, even when you know you are. I'm told all the time how I'm really good at certain things, and I water that down a lot. I go, oh yes, I'm good at baking, but I'm not an expert, or I don't know anything, or please don't tell me that I'm really good because I don't believe myself to be. Because I'm self-taught. There's this idea that I have to have all of these credentials to be something, or I feel like just because I do things on my own doesn't mean that I'm independent. I see now how that comes from the way that my mom talked to me about how important education was. I think she drank the water like everyone else in her age group that said if you go to school and you get an education, it means you are somebody, or you're not worth anything unless you have an education, which is a whole other rabbit hole that we can go down. But I think it sets this idea that your worth is tied to what you have rather than who you are. I feel like this was also very prevalent when I was in the process of moving out of my mom's house. She made a lot of comments about how I don't have a pot to piss in, and that I wasn't truly independent because I didn't own my own home. So parts of me felt like I was an imposter. Because even though I was paying all of my own bills and I was running a business and I was working full-time and buying all my own food, making all my own meals, doing everything that someone would do independently. I was renting from and living with my mom. I set the notation to my own mind that I was living a lie, that I wasn't truly independent or couldn't be. And while I shut that limiting belief down, it was something that was verbalized to me on a weekly basis while I was living with her. I found it difficult when I thought about dating while I lived with her. I imagined going out on a date and talking about myself, and I'm like, how can I talk so positively about myself and so good about myself, lift myself up, talk about how I have this business and I am virtually independent, but I live with my mom. And that right there is this like limiting belief that you're not independent or that you're not capable simply because of one thing in your life that isn't necessarily bad. Her verbalization of me being nothing or having nothing or this sense of worthlessness made me feel like I was less than simply because I didn't check a box that she thought was the most important. And it took me a while to go out and talk to people who really didn't look at me that way. They didn't see my worth as less. If I talked about how I lived with my mom because things were expensive, I got lots of nods, like, yeah, you're right, like this is how things are. I found acceptance and I didn't really see that coming because I was so rejected all the time. Internalizers are also often self-sacrificing. They will do what's necessary to put others' needs first to keep a relationship going. I found myself doing this all the time, not only in relationships, but in friendships as well. I've talked myself into staying because I didn't trust my instincts. And I didn't want to face the music of everyone else's opinion. And that self-sacrificing, it can create resentment for all the things that you do for other people. I see this a lot in my mom. I did exhibit this behavior at one point as well because I learned it, but it's something that I've been very good at letting go these last few years. Because I started to realize that pouring into someone else's cup is something that you learn to balance. And when you create that balance, there's more gratitude than resentment. I also like to say that you can't pour from an empty cup. And I learned the hard way to just empty my cup rather than finding ways to fill it. It's also a scarcity-driven mindset, which comes up a lot for me, and I definitely want to break that down in another episode. My mom would do all these things for us that a parent should do, and then talk about it as if we should be so eternally grateful and just do things right back for her. Again, that conditional relationship. She would have a lot of anger toward our ability to rest or relax or take space and play. This insinuation that we didn't have as many sacrifices. Something that came up a lot before I moved was how I didn't respect her. That I disrespected her space, and that I didn't respect any of the things that she's done for me over the years. And my response to that was: I don't fucking see it. All of the sacrifice that you made for me going to college and ensuring that I had a space to come home to and paying for some of my groceries over the years, which by the way was her choice. She would bring me food and other things that I did not ask for. Supporting me through certain things in my life, even if you weren't financially backing them. How was all of that disrespected? I went to college, I got good grades, I graduated with honors, I got a job as soon as I possibly could outside of graduation, but I think her expectation, along with a lot of adults her age range, is that you left school and you instantly had a job. Because that's the line that they were all sold about education. And that's another rabbit hole we could go down. But because my life didn't turn out the way that she wanted to, apparently I disrespected her somehow. The sad thing is, my life isn't over. And yet, like I said in the last episode, her belief systems would have her see it differently. Internalizers also tend to downplay, they become invisible. I did this a lot. I walked away, I swept a lot of things under the rug. I avoided conversations with her unless I absolutely had to have them. I stopped going to her for certain things because I could no longer trust that she was a safe space. And then I started rolling through that coping mechanism of solving my problems on my own. But because I had such a huge distrust for her, I had a huge distrust for everyone. I didn't ask for help in areas in which I should have, because I expected every space to turn out just like this one. I've also started to realize lately that I didn't just water myself down, I dulled myself. I didn't shine the way that I should have. And I think because from a young age, I would outshine her or I would shine too bright, and that was so intimidating for her that she had to knock you down a peg or two just to make herself feel better. And I'm starting to realize now that I'm so good at so many things, and I never allowed myself to just continuously learn and grow and be great. Because if it was too great, it was too much. And I've had to ask myself, who was it too much for? Because it wasn't too much for me. And now I have to learn how to shine again. On the opposite side of things is the externalizer who acts out. This person is impulsive. They are in a lot of denial to avoid shame. And when they feel shame, they get rid of it by blaming other people and making excuses. It tends to elicit narcissistic behavior patterns. At one point I came to the conclusion that my mom was a narcissist. But then I thought, well, that doesn't exactly drag because I don't think she's a full-blown narcissist. So reading this book and learning more about externalizers had me understanding that her behavior patterns are narcissistic. But it doesn't mean that everything about her is that way. My mom is an externalizer. And I learned some of that behavior from her because there was a period of time. I want to say it was a very stressful point in my life when I was 22 and 23 that I behaved just like that. I was negative, I was angry, no one could tell me anything. This is the way that it was. And I blamed other people all the time. But I outgrew a lot of this. And I think it's because instinctually I knew that it wasn't correct behavior. I knew that it was no one else's fault. And over the years, I've blamed my mom for a lot of things. I still talk about the things that she's done, and clearly because we are here on this podcast, but I do know that her behavior has had a great impact on my life. I remember that time in my life when I was 22 and 23. I was working at Herberger's, and I remember being so negative and pessimistic, and I wasn't willing to listen to anything positive. And there was a part of me when I would drive home from work that would go, I don't like who I am. I don't like this. And I don't know how to fix it. So I kept showing up that way until something forced me to change. I can continue to blame her and play victim, or I can decide that I can understand her behavior better and learn how to dismantle those behavior patterns within myself and become the strongest version of me mentally and emotionally. Break down the pattern of emotional abuse and create my own reality for what it means to be me, to show up for myself and others in a way that serves my person. And not serving in an egotistical way, but in a way that allows me to live into my purpose in this world. There are so many aspects to my person that I have shut down over the years. I realized that I put other people's needs so far ahead of my own that I stopped showing up authentically. I tried to do what I thought others wanted and what they expected of me so that I could earn their trust and earn their love and earn their respect, not knowing that none of that needs to be earned. The last coping mechanism that I'll talk about is fantasizing. This is something I want to break down a little bit further later on in this podcast. Essentially, fantasizing is where you spend time fantasizing about what it would be like to have a better relationship with your parent. You drum up all these scenarios in your head about having a heart-to-heart conversation where you can speak your truth and share your feelings. And you fantasize what it would be like for your parent to respond in a positive way. You fantasize about what it would be like if your parents' light bulb just came on and they finally got it, and they hug you and they express the emotion in return and they just love you in the way that you want to be loved. And you don't do it with just your parents. You do it in other relationships too. When people leave or your relationship is struggling, you fantasize about having a conversation with this person and pouring out all this love and having them pour it right back. Or you think that you have to spend your time using your words and emotions to convince someone that you're worthy of love. We see it all the time in the movies, where one person runs to the other and pours out this heartfelt sentiment and the music rises and your heart swells, and you feel for the characters, and you watch the other person have this whole response where they recognize how much they love this person and they live happily ever after. But life isn't like a movie, and not everyone outgrows their behavior patterns. And I've learned that I don't have to change or chase or convince. There is nothing that I need to do to earn my mother's love. I'm allowed to make mistakes. I'm allowed to fall down. I'm allowed to feel sad or happy or joyous. I'm allowed to celebrate things in my life. And for a very long time, I was told that I couldn't or that I shouldn't, or that those emotions weren't allowed. Or the feelings were acknowledged for a single second only to be disregarded because mom is pissed off. So the emotion in the room in the house today is that we're pissed and you can't be any other way. And she obviously doesn't say it in that way. It's not exclaimed in such a blunt manner, but it's expressed in the way she subtly shuts you down, in the way she pushes aside whatever it is that you need to say and makes it about herself. The that's great, Chelsea, but blah blah blah mentality. To give you another example, the first year I took my boutique business to a vendor event, I ended up having three of them back to back, plus a Black Friday weekend at the end of the month in my boutique space. I hustled my ass off for the entire month of November, hauling all of my things to three different events each weekend. And I had the best sales day that I've ever had. Or how about you give me a little bit of that money because I need help with this and I need help with that? Maybe you should do this instead, and blah, blah, blah. I didn't even tell her how much I made at those vendor events, but before they even started, she was telling me that I should shut down my boutique. She sent me a text message the beginning of November in 2021 that said something along the lines of, you should consider shutting down your shop in 2022, and then maybe I'll consider helping you finance a vehicle. And then I need help with this, and I need help with that, etc., etc. Out of nowhere. Right after I'd broken up with my boyfriend at the time, this is the message that she sends. No context, no conversation prior, just a random text on a Tuesday morning at work. I told that to a few of my friends, and I joked or I brushed it off because the way that I cope with it is to find humor and things. And I said, if I shut down my business effectively, I wouldn't need her help co-signing a vehicle. She felt inadequate. She didn't feel like she was needed or necessary. She's been doing this for years, trying to find a way to keep control. And when she doesn't have it, she's not happy. It disrupts her whole nervous system. She didn't like that I was becoming independent or that I was making money or that I was becoming successful. So let's try to downplay it. Let's make this seem less, let's talk you out, let's talk you down, and then maybe I'll help you with something so that I can feel useful and helpful, and I can feel like I'm supporting my daughter so that she doesn't have to do it by herself because she needs me. This book is so deep and it's so accurate. I could go on about it for days. I have a million examples, and I'm sure more of them will come out in other episodes as I deep dive things. I highly recommend this book as a read if you're struggling with this as well. It will honestly blow your mind. I read this book and I was like, oh my god, it describes my entire life. But I love that this author gives you a way to break it down and find a way to navigate relationships with emotionally immature people, not just parents. This is beyond that. After reading this book, I was able to see how there were some friendships in my life that were very much the same. I believe there are other women out there who have lived their whole life thinking that everything they went through was completely normal. Or they found ways to rationalize and justify it while staying in survival mode. It makes me wonder how many of you listeners right now are going through your own aha moments, listening and comparing my experiences or my thought processes to certain relationships and situations in your own life. Have you gone through something and thought it was totally normal, or you thought you shouldn't complain about it? So you water everything down and you pretend that it doesn't matter. You pretend that it didn't hurt. You pretend that it wasn't as bad as you thought it was. Did you know that all of those are things that narcissists do? They convince you through emotional manipulative tactics to rationalize away your behavior, to rationalize their behavior, to rationalize away your own self instinct and yourself. To think that everything that they do is justified and normal. And that you're the crazy one. A lot of this behavior is done so that you won't say anything. They don't want you talking to certain people. They'll isolate you from your friends or family because they know that if you're around too many people too often, the truth will come out. Someone will see through the bullshit, and then you're no longer able to be manipulated. It takes away the control that they've worked so hard to build. I think the hardest part of all of this is when your parent is the manipulator and the narcissist and the abuser. Because we are taught to look at them as being your parent, the one who gave you life, the person you were supposed to love unconditionally, no matter their behavior. Because they gave you life. They put a roof over your head and food on the table and clothing on your back. They did the best they could, and you should just take every single thing they've ever done and forgive them. I don't deny that you should forgive them because they're human and they make mistakes. I think as children we idolized adults or the people that were older than us, thinking they had their life together and everything was great. I can tell you with absolute certainty in my 30s that everyone out here is just fucking winging it. No one knows how it's supposed to be. It just is. That's where I think we've failed as a society, because we've created so many constructs for ourselves, and it's all to keep peace and keep things safe, but we've created too many systems, too many regimented systems, and especially when it comes to parenting and lifestyle and love and what it means to be respectful. Those systems were created to keep people safe, but they also keep people stuck. I've been challenging all of these things in my life, challenging my viewpoint of what it means to be married, what it's gonna mean to have kids, hell, what it means to be single at 36 with no kids. I have this tattoo on my finger of two forward-facing arrows or upward-facing arrows, however you want to view it. I get all sorts of questions about it all the time. Like, what does this mean? What is this for? And the meaning behind it is this idea of creating your own reality. And I love it because I'm starting to redefine for myself and give myself permission to be me, to take back my identity as a person and what it means. And I get to explore that every time I have a new experience. Some days I feel a little lost, and other days I feel so excited to discover something new. I think the hardest thing is making the change that I want because sometimes that requires money that I don't have, or it requires me to make very slow strategic movements. And I like the fast, I like the speed, I like doing things go, go, go. And I'm having to learn how to slow things down for myself and enjoy the present moment and enjoy the getting there, enjoy the journey of everything. Even right now, I'm rushing to record this episode and get it edited in time for me to go to bed at a reasonable hour because once again, I avoided doing my homework, which is to like, you know, do my podcast, right? And yet I'm sitting here with noises in the background and lady drinking her water loud, and I'm taking pauses and I'm getting a little frustrated. And then there's a part of me that is sitting here with my blinds cracked open, looking at the night sky and realizing, hey, you're here. You dreamed about this, you fantasized about having this podcast and sitting in front of a microphone and doing this work, and now you're here fucking doing it. Let's sit here, let's enjoy this. If you're in a space of survival right now, if you find yourself just coping with the problems in your life, know that I hear you. I see you. I am you. I'm still coping with things. But my coping mechanisms are less about survival and more about finding ways to thrive. I have found the tools that I need to help me move forward. And I'll be honest, sometimes I forget to use them and I need to go back and grab them from my arsenal of things. I have a whole journal from life coaching that I'm like, oh, there's so much gold in there. That was thousands of dollars worth of material. What are you doing? Right? So we all need to take those tools. We know they exist. Go find them, go pull them into your life. I'm starting to listen to more podcasts because I know they're gonna give me that drive that I need, and I've been avoiding it because I'm like, I just want to sit in the pit of misery. But I hope you begin to make that journey forward as well. I wish I could give you all the answers and say it's one book to read, or here's a new podcast to go check out, or here's the cure to it all. But there isn't an easy fix. There is no switch that you turn on or off to make this happen. I have blood, sweat, and tears, picked myself up off the ground and utilized everything that I found at my disposal, and even things that I never thought possible for myself to make the changes that I needed in my life. I didn't think life coaching was possible. I thought that was something rich people did, and yet I made it a possibility for myself by simply choosing it, allowing it, accepting it, utilizing it. I'm still working on some of those changes. And it's easier said than done some days to keep my head above water, to not let my emotions spiral. I keep reminding myself that no matter how stuck I feel, I really am truly free. Because I have the freedom of choice. So I get up and I choose. I choose to stick with my workouts, I choose to try my best nutritionally, because not gonna lie, it's been a little crazy this summer. And I choose to find the gratitude and the goodness in the day. And some days it's hard. One thing that's popped into my head a lot lately is that maybe at some point I did lose control. Maybe at some point my mom was the boss of me, whether she was there in the room or not. And no matter how many years I think I've lost or how much time I can't get back, I've started to realize that I don't have to live there anymore. I get to choose from now on to literally walk away from the bullshit. I get to choose to be exactly who I am, regardless of how she treated me, regardless of the coping mechanisms, regardless of how much money I've lost or time or how much hurt I've been through. I get to choose to live my life for me from now on. This is my permission to rise. Thank you so much for listening today. Be sure to subscribe, follow, and share permission to rise with a woman who's ready to rise into her next chapter.